There isn't a lifetime maximum assigned to an individual for misery or suffering. It is fluid. I didn't understand that prior to having cancer. As someone who has gone through a lot in life, suffered a whole lot in life, and had actively worked to move beyond that pain I thought I was free and clear. I honestly thought that we all had out there in the ether somewhere a meter counting down our misery and once we reached it the rest of our life would run fairly smoothly.

When I first got cancer I was so pissed off. I treated it as an affront. Dear Universe, How Dare You?!?...

Then I got cancer a second time but it came about so quickly that it kind of got lumped in with the first round of cancer and while it worried me, no one else seemed to think it was that big of a deal.

And now I have a lump. It isn't a big lump. Actually, I don't really think it's much of a lump at all. It's just that something feels different. Something feels...not quite right. I remember this feeling. I remember ignoring this feeling. And here I am again. If I hold my arm a certain way then there's definitely something there... but then I shift my weight and it isn't there anymore. Am I crazy? Overreacting? A hypochondriac?  Please, God let that be the case. I'll go see the breast surgeon on Friday and have things checked out. See? I'm learning. I won't sit here and talk myself out of doing anything for fear of being seen as overreacting.

I will put this out there in the universe because no one really reads this anyway but I won't tell anyone. I haven't told my husband or my best friend. I will own this worry and fear and will hold it close to myself rather than unload it onto those who can't do anything about it anyway. It feels almost peaceful to hold this to myself and let my mind work through this without having to worry about the suffering of others. I am recognizing that this is forever. There will never not be a lump, or unexplained pain, or wonky lab results, that could trigger the renewal of all that old shit they thought was behind us. Maybe it's nothing and I never have to tell them. Maybe in a few weeks all of our hearts will be breaking again.