Cancer is not the worst thing to ever happen to me, it is just the most unjust.
I have entered into a world where people confide in me their small complaints or woes and then immediately get a look of pity on their face and tell me they should feel grateful since I'm going through so much more. I don't like that. I hate the pitying looks but more than that I don't like having to remind people that we all are allowed to experience the pains of life without feeling guilty that someone else's pains are worse.
Cancer was not the worst thing to happen to me. It just happened to happen at a point in my life where I was beginning to feel like the worst things were behind me. I left behind an abusive childhood. I left behind an abusive spouse. I was leaving behind the self loathing and fears and doubts. I had finally found a place in life where I was not constantly afraid. After spending more than 30 years being constantly afraid, on alert, ever vigilant and ready to hide, I was spending my first days on Earth relaxed.
And then I got cancer.
The fear I live in now is worse because I had those precious months of not being afraid at all. I had left behind my survival instincts.
What a cruel, cruel world we live in. I'm sorry your car broke down, or your dog is sick, or your spouse hit you, or your mother neglected you, or any of the million things you find hard to bear but better than having cancer. I'm sorry you're going through all of these things because I've been through all of them too. I know the hard truth is that we will go through all these awful, trying things and think one day that the world finally owes us a break. And then you get cancer.
