Something New

I tried acupuncture for the first time yesterday and I think I love it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Betcha thought this post would be another bitch fest huh?

Grateful Monday

It's time to spend some time #humblebragging. This blog can be so damn whiny and it wasn't necessarily meant to be that way when I started. I wanted it to be introspective and real but a lot of it is just me bitching.

Today we're going to think about the good things that have happened since cancer and some ways that I believe I have positively changed.

-I no longer support the death penalty. I never thought about how cruel a thing it was to do to someone. I didn't see how a painless, medicated death could be cruel. Now I see how cruel and awful it is to force someone to spend months or years with the proverbial ax hanging over their head.

- I have put myself out there in ways I probably won't describe here but trust me, it's way out there for me.

- I have spent a legit amount of money on frivolous crap that benefits no one but me. All those years of working to support others while I would stand in Wal Mart weighing pros and cons of spending $8 on a pack of underpants are gone. Girlfriend is strolling through life in real Tori Burch flats holding a Dooney and Burke handbag. #treatyoself

- I plan girls weekends now. If you can claim some form of connection to the female persuasion and I have met you, you're going to be asked to a girls weekend. Why? Because I can. We're going to wine country, or NYC, or the beach. We're going to drink, and eat, and laugh, and cry, and heal among women. The last couple of years have taught me the value of deep female connection. I believe on a psychological level women can heal women. Lean in to the sisterhood.

-I don't waste time on old me. Current me may have plenty of crap to cry about but I think I've left the Stephanie of yesterday in the past. I'm recreating someone and I'm still learning who she is but she doesn't feel tainted by the sins of before.

- I make the time. I no longer limit myself from doing the things I want to do because I don't have time. Now I make the time.

Did I deserve this?

I stole a pudding cup from a girl in my 3rd grade class. I also stole her spoon because I didn't want to eat it with my fingers. A few months later I returned the dirty spoon to her backpack while everyone else was out at recess because it was a regular metal spoon and it felt wrong to throw it away. She was confused, I never fessed up.

I spent months as a teenager sneaking out of my bedroom window at night to run around with a man I met on the internet.

I was promiscuous in my youth.

I was sorted into Slytherin House and I honestly don't mind.

I bought my first car and drove it for months and months even though I didn't even have a drivers license yet.

I married my first husband knowing I would divorce him one day.

I slept with another woman's husband. More than once.

I love my children, I don't think I love being a mother.

I hold grudges.

I gossip.

I didn't attend my mothers funeral.

I imagine my mother spending eternity in hell and it brings me peace.

I lied. I stole. I cheated. I injured. I overlooked. I sinned.

I did this to myself?

My body did this to me.

I didn't do this intentionally. I wouldn't have chosen this. I don't know the moment where I should have gone left and instead went right. Does that moment even exist? I own my body. My body did this. I...did this. Can you do this to yourself?

Do life's little insults and injuries compound on themselves to create the culmination of whatever you've done mirrored back onto you?