More than being sad though I am so very, very angry. I want to stand on the edge of the world and rip it apart piece by piece while screaming about the injustice and indignity of being a hopeful woman in a hateful world. I want to tear down and destroy. I want to take others down a notch. Remind them of how hopeless and temporary and futile this world is. I want to take myself down a notch. Give myself a damn good reason to die. I want to drink too much, smoke too much, drive too fast. If I want to destroy the world it's nothing compared to how much I want to destroy myself.
I look through old photos of me the way you'd look through the Facebook profile of an old boyfriend. I do it with unhealthy intent, knowing in my mind I'm searching for reasons to dig myself deeper into this well of self loathing. I hunt through those images and silently ridicule myself for my ignorance of what was to come.
Boo hoo.
