The things we do to ourselves

I have never really admitted to anyone, not even my doctors, how long I went knowing something was wrong before I said anything. Or how long before that I had noticed something was kind of off but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was so I didn't really say anything.

I never admitted how long I put off making the appointment and how many times I nearly cancelled it because I was worried that I was being an alarmist. How stupid or guilty I would feel for making a big to do over something that was probably nothing. How I didn't want to spend the money on the copays or it was a huge inconvenience to get the time off of work when we were in our busy season and getting someone to cover for me would have made me look bad.

I was diagnosed in October 2018. I first "felt" the lump in June of 2018. More than a year prior to that I was in the shower and thought, is that a lump? but then if I moved my arm in a different direction I didn't really feel it anymore... and if I stood in front of a mirror and raised my arms there would be a sort of crease under my left nipple that wasn't on the right and I'd think...has that always been there? And eventually the crease that was only there when I lifted my arms was always there no matter how I held my arms and if I stood a certain way that maybe lump was actually a lump so I just stopped standing that way while doing self exams.

I was a diligent self examiner. I've had a lot of boyfriends and a couple husbands but no one has ever touched my breasts as much as I do. I knew my breasts. But when I felt something I kept my mouth shut. I knew better. I honest to god knew better and I did it anyway.

I think about this a lot. I think about the ways I talk myself out of advocating for myself. I am the first to accept a cop out. A nonsense answer by a physician to a statement or complaint and even if I know they are feeding me BS I will nod my head right along and go with the flow. Don't be an alarmist Stephanie. Don't be a drama queen, Stephanie. Don't be that patient that everyone hates, Stephanie.  Do we, as women, all do this to ourselves? So programmed towards focusing on others and not being the cause of strife or stress in our households, we are willing to forfeit our lives in the process.

This may well be something I carry to the grave without ever being able to say it out loud. I nearly cost myself a chance at living.