Peace be with you.

I had an abdominal CT done last week and there is no fear like the kind of fear that comes with waiting for scan results. I was talking out my anxiety with my husband and he told me that life had been pretty unkind to me in my 34 years and surely I was due for a bit of a break. I told him that life had been unkind but in turn it has lead me to find ways to be kinder to myself.

That's what I struggle with. In all of this anger and hurt and sadness it's easy to think of it as being directed at the cancer but since the cancer is inside of me I'm also directing those feelings at myself. I'm working to forgive myself. To find peace with myself. Cancer may be the big-bad-ugly but it is bits of me that went wrong and I'm coming to grips with that. It is really hard to be so thoroughly betrayed by your body and still wrap it in a comforting hug and tell it everything will be ok. 

There is a part in the Catholic mass where you shake hands with those around you and tell them "Peace be with you". I am shaking hands with myself and saying peace be with you, Stephanie.